Friday, July 29, 2011


So many of the people I know that I was pregnant with are starting to welcome their babies. Still others are nearing their final month of uncomfortableness, waiting restlessly to join the ranks of the sleepless and exhausted yet again.

Me? I'm not sure where I'm at. I was warned that approaching the due date, the sharpness of my grief would reemerge and it has. Choking, aching grief. Deep sorrow at never being able to hold my baby, hear him laugh. A brother for Gus that he doesn't even know to miss. Another son for a proud papa. Another piece of our hearts walking around in a scary, dangerous world. Instead, he sleeps in a tiny heart shaped box. Forever safe, forever pure. Leo, we will miss you forever.

Through everything though, God has had his hand on our lives. He led us and comforted us through the initial shock and disbelief. To the doctor's surprise we were able to tell he was a boy so we could name him. He healed the raw edge of my grief. He took away my crippling fear over this new pregnancy so that I could rejoice in the new life growing in me. I may not be innocent anymore, but I am joyful over this new life.

What I am the most thankful for though, as September 13 approaches, is that there I am already, at nine weeks, visibly pregnant. I'm not sure how how difficult that day would have been without tangible hope for the future. I know that faith is the evidence of things not seen, but sometimes I think God knows that a visual goes a long, long way towards settling our fears. I know it isn't past yet but God is preparing me for that.

And then today, when I was laying there being thankful that I could see evidence of the baby, I felt the baby move. Unmistakably. I know it's really early for that, but I did not imagine it and it was exactly what I needed this week to help me through the renewed grief over a child that died while I carried him.

Even though Leo's death was God's plan for us, he did not lead us to it alone. He has been with us, comforting us every time grief threatens to overwhelm.

Faithful friend and father
I've called you through the years.
You've been great physician when sickness lingered near.
Through distressing moments your name is new and sweet
You've become comforter to me.

You are comforter that's who you are to me.
Comforter a name that fits so perfectly.
Peace that passes all understanding
Comforter is who you are to me.

To the grieving family who weeps for loved ones gone.
The pain of separation consumes another home.
On the waves of sorrow
You walk with perfect ease
Comforter is who the whole world needs.

You are comforter that's who you are to me.
Comforter a name that fits so perfectly.
Peace that passes all understanding
Comforter is who you are to me
-CeCe Winans


  1. You are such an inspiration. I can't imagine the pain that you have had to deal with. I've never suffered it, but I know many who have. My heart and my prayers, as always, are lifting you up.

  2. That song was such a comfort to me when Mam died. I think I sang it constantly and played it over and over. I love you babe and pray for you. LOve Momma

  3. You and I have not met, but I'm Sgt Moon's wife. Our husbands work together. My husband told me when you guys lost your baby and I prayed for you. We have lost 8 babies and have two children. Our son was our 7th pregnancy and our daughter was our 10th pregnancy.

    The way you have expressed yourself in the post above is beautiful and so much of what I have felt time and time again. The farthest pregnancy for me was around 13 weeks. You are so blessed to have been given another child to help you deal with the dates (such as your due date, which has passed) and the thoughts of having him with you for his first holidays. I still think about each and every one of mine and as their due dates come and go and the dates of the loss come and go, those losses weigh on my mind, as I'm certain it does yours.

    Know that you are not alone and I can honestly say that my losses have made my two children mean that much more to my husband and me. I know my children are both miracles because I almost lost both of them. Everytime you look at your new baby, you are going to cherish him or her just a little bit more than the average mother. Every time that baby cries and keeps you up at night, you're going to be thankful to have a baby who keeps you up at night. It's almost like it's God's way of making us take a step back and look at what we have.

    I hope your pregnancy is going well and maybe we will get to meet one day!