A year ago today, we had the second of three miscarriages. It was harder than the other two because we were 16 weeks along, had shared the news with more people, were a week from the "big" ultrasound. We were out of the first trimester, miscarriage shouldn't have been a concern. Then there was no heartbeat and worse, the baby was big enough that a home delivery was more than I could handle emotionally. Going through labor to deliver a dead child with Rob three hours away, home alone with Gus...I was pretty sure I would have crawled so far into a bottle it would have taken a while to dislodge me. I wasn't willing to test my weak faith in God's tender mercies to that extent. Instead we had him in a hospital and Rob was able to be there with me.
We named him Leo and he was perfect. So tiny. Six ounces. Ten fingers. Ten toes.
God was so, so good to us. I have no idea how we made it through that and the next miscarriage without ever blaming God or asking why. Somehow it seemed so foolish to question the plans of the one who made everything. He worked in my heart all through my pregnancy with Teddy, taking away the fear, helping me to rejoice in the life growing in me. He is helping me sort through the emotions and guilt for loving Teddy whom I never could have had if Leo hadn't died.
Today was a very bad day. Today it feels like I was punched in the throat. Today I can feel an empty place in my belly. But today, I also looked at our two children and I am so very thankful that I will get to hold them tonight as they fall asleep. Thank you Lord for letting me have these. I don't know why you needed them so badly, but take good care of my babies for me.
Happy Birthday Leo. Your mommy and daddy miss you.
Showing posts with label Occasions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Occasions. Show all posts
Friday, March 30, 2012
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Lingerie and Jet Fuel
Rob and I just celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary. Our celebration was very low key. We dined on fine hot dogs and exchanged gifts. Part of the lack anything more spectacular was that we don't know a babysitter yet and part was that Rob had to work that day. Part of the difference between that and previous celebrations was a not-so-subtle shift in what we find romantic.
Last week I unpacked a box labeled simply "pajamas." In in I found my wedding lingerie. I sat there holding this stuff in my lap and simply staring at it. Honestly, I had forgotten that I had it. I feel special if he doesn't go to bed smelling like jet fuel. I don't remember that being on my 'list of desirable qualities in a mate' list that I had. To romance me he must first bathe...yeah, not sure that ever crossed my mind as a form of romance. I'm also pretty sure that if he had offered to let me go the store alone to shop for paint six years ago I would have been annoyed that he wanted to get out of running errands with me. This time, it was one of the highlights of my month. Two hours completely alone? To shop for paint? Honey, THANK YOU!
Regardless, that night I put on the lingerie, feeling slightly idiotic (and amazed that it still fit), like he didn't know every inch of my body underneath it and love me despite my flaws. His comment, "I remember that stuff!" wasn't exactly what I was going for. We both got a good case of the giggles. It's what I imagine the great romances were made of.
We've hit that point in our marriage where we find intimacy in the knowledge that we have our whole lives to discover each other, that we belong completely to each other, that we are building something worthwhile together. Seeing him playing with his son is far sexier than him mowing the lawn shirtless ever could be. The emotions have burned off the relationship and what's left is solid, deep, it's commitment, it's our choice to stay together, it's grounded in God and the family that we have made together, it has been tested by distance, by loss, by tragedy. It isn't a piece of silk over exposed legs...it's better than that. It's knowing that whatever I need him for, he's there, that he is mine and mine alone. It's why I'll follow him wherever he goes even when it takes me from my loved ones. It's a bond that only grows deeper with every passing day. It's being willing to put in the work to have one love for one lifetime.
It's simple, it's perfect, it's happiness...
I didn't "fall in love," I chose to love him. I make that choice every single day. I'll make that choice over and over again until death do us part.
Happy Anniversary my love...
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Quick update
Rundown of the last couple weeks...
1. Joe got married, I got a new sister! Yay!
2. We all got sick in TN...not yay!
3. Gus turned six months old
4. Gus went on his first camping trip and handled the great outdoors like a champ!
5. Gus cut his first two teeth
6. We are all still sick...yuck
7. Gus is still in his not sleeping holding pattern
8. Gus hit 29 inches, the limit on the current car seat but I feel too yucky to go shopping for a bigger one
9. Spite family reunion where we got to eat lots of middle eastern food and meet all the new cousins that have entered the world in the last year or so
10. Four days back from camping and the laundry is still not caught up from camping (see no., 6 above)
11. Chana moved to Germany taking my favorite niece and brother-in-law with her...sad :(
12. I acknowledged defeat in the gardening sector
13. We are still in geographical limbo
14. We got Gus's six month photos done..Thanks Gail! He is adorable...as always
Well there is my five minute update. When things settle down and I feel better I will post more.
1. Joe got married, I got a new sister! Yay!
2. We all got sick in TN...not yay!
3. Gus turned six months old
4. Gus went on his first camping trip and handled the great outdoors like a champ!
5. Gus cut his first two teeth
6. We are all still sick...yuck
7. Gus is still in his not sleeping holding pattern
8. Gus hit 29 inches, the limit on the current car seat but I feel too yucky to go shopping for a bigger one
9. Spite family reunion where we got to eat lots of middle eastern food and meet all the new cousins that have entered the world in the last year or so
10. Four days back from camping and the laundry is still not caught up from camping (see no., 6 above)
11. Chana moved to Germany taking my favorite niece and brother-in-law with her...sad :(
12. I acknowledged defeat in the gardening sector
13. We are still in geographical limbo
14. We got Gus's six month photos done..Thanks Gail! He is adorable...as always
Well there is my five minute update. When things settle down and I feel better I will post more.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
What a Difference a Day Made
I was listening to some old jazz today today and came across the "What a Difference a Day Made" song, which got me to thinking about days that have utterly and completely changed my life. This isn't to say that life isn't completely changing and evolving, but there are days that stick in your mind forever and whatever happened on that day makes every day afterward different.
In order, mine are:
The day of my earliest memory...I am four and I am staring out our living room window. I remember wishing that I were bigger. I said as much to my mom and she commented that I should enjoy every part of life, even the part where I am little. I don't remember much else about that conversation, but I remember the enjoying life part. I have, to the best of my recollection, done so to date. What I realized this year is that this also means not living in the past, not regretting that those days are gone. This was not a problem when I married, but before Gus was born, I had a minor panic attack about my carefree days with my husband coming to an end...rather rapidly.
The day I received the Holy Ghost. I remember it much like getting glasses...where you are finally able to see and even when you take them off and everything is blurry, you remember the clarity that you had with them. Sure you can get through life without it, but why would you choose to continually stumble over things you would have been able to see if you would just wear your glasses.
The day before Rob's eye surgery where we decided rather unromantically that we wanted to be together forever. I will never forget the amazement I felt that someone as wonderful as Rob wanted to be with me forever. I still feel lucky...
The day after our wedding...one of those first day of the rest of our lives feelings...the day before felt like a dream, this felt permanent.
Then there is Gus. He cannot be described in one day. He was a long time coming and he is my answer to prayer. There was the day the doctor told me I might wake up from surgery without either ovary and the devastation that I felt and the helplessness we felt putting the matter in God's hands. The joy I felt on the day I saw his heartbeat on the monitor...it didn't feel real until then. The day in the grocery store where God sent a stranger to pray an anointing on my baby. The day he was born when we looked into his eyes and saw an old soul. The first time we took him to church I cried over him and thanked God for him and had the unmistakable feeling that we were supposed to give this one back to him. Our lives all of a sudden feel like there is a lot less wiggle room, that our mistakes from here on out are not as insignificant. It is intimidating and challenging all at the same time. I'm not sure what purpose this baby was born for, but I do know God has been involved from the beginning and he will not abandon us on this, the first day of the rest of our lives. Hopefully we will not fail him either.
In order, mine are:
The day of my earliest memory...I am four and I am staring out our living room window. I remember wishing that I were bigger. I said as much to my mom and she commented that I should enjoy every part of life, even the part where I am little. I don't remember much else about that conversation, but I remember the enjoying life part. I have, to the best of my recollection, done so to date. What I realized this year is that this also means not living in the past, not regretting that those days are gone. This was not a problem when I married, but before Gus was born, I had a minor panic attack about my carefree days with my husband coming to an end...rather rapidly.
The day I received the Holy Ghost. I remember it much like getting glasses...where you are finally able to see and even when you take them off and everything is blurry, you remember the clarity that you had with them. Sure you can get through life without it, but why would you choose to continually stumble over things you would have been able to see if you would just wear your glasses.
The day before Rob's eye surgery where we decided rather unromantically that we wanted to be together forever. I will never forget the amazement I felt that someone as wonderful as Rob wanted to be with me forever. I still feel lucky...
The day after our wedding...one of those first day of the rest of our lives feelings...the day before felt like a dream, this felt permanent.
Then there is Gus. He cannot be described in one day. He was a long time coming and he is my answer to prayer. There was the day the doctor told me I might wake up from surgery without either ovary and the devastation that I felt and the helplessness we felt putting the matter in God's hands. The joy I felt on the day I saw his heartbeat on the monitor...it didn't feel real until then. The day in the grocery store where God sent a stranger to pray an anointing on my baby. The day he was born when we looked into his eyes and saw an old soul. The first time we took him to church I cried over him and thanked God for him and had the unmistakable feeling that we were supposed to give this one back to him. Our lives all of a sudden feel like there is a lot less wiggle room, that our mistakes from here on out are not as insignificant. It is intimidating and challenging all at the same time. I'm not sure what purpose this baby was born for, but I do know God has been involved from the beginning and he will not abandon us on this, the first day of the rest of our lives. Hopefully we will not fail him either.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Anniversary thoughts
Rob and I just celebrated our four year anniversary this past week. We also found out that we were going to be parents this past week. At dinner celebrating both having made it four years and finally getting started on our family, we talked about how we thought we were doing on the joint five year plan we made when we got married. For the most part we have done fairly well on our list of shared goals. Some items didn't happen the way we thought they would. For example, we had both wanted to have 'real' jobs. We both still work for the company we worked for when we got married, but Rob has moved up in the company to an office position and I have stayed because of the flexibility it allows me to pursue my degree and get our company up and running. We also discussed where we wanted to be five more years from now.
I think it is very important in a marriage to set joint goals. I have known couples that both have five year plans that are independent of the other... What happens if you reach your goals and you weren't working towards the same thing? It ends up pulling you apart! On the other hand, when the two of you are pulling together towards a shared purpose, you are more likely to succeed than on your own and when you get there, you will end up in the same place as your spouse.
Where were we supposed to be by May of next year?
Have finished master's degree (me)
Have started grad school (Rob)
Have our own home
Have real jobs
Have started planning for retirement
Have started a family
Our first two goals have to do with finishing our education. I will graduate in July of this year with my MBA, then return to finish my concentration area (March hopefully). Rob is a little behind on his as we had to be sure we were staying somewhere for two or three years before he could apply for grad school. He is looking at masters programs locally and thinking about studying for the GRE.
The next three goals had to do with gaining financial and geographic stability so that we could...start a family without worrying about money on top of the stress and excitement of a baby. While we haven't bought a house yet, we have made it out of apartment complexes.
The next five years will hopefully bring a couple more kids, a house of our own, my sister and I's company taking off. Rob hopes to be working with either the military or on an international level in his company and have finished his master's degree. I hope and pray that wherever we end up we can find a church family that feels like home. The Lord has kept us so far. We have a good life and it has been an amazing four years together!
I think it is very important in a marriage to set joint goals. I have known couples that both have five year plans that are independent of the other... What happens if you reach your goals and you weren't working towards the same thing? It ends up pulling you apart! On the other hand, when the two of you are pulling together towards a shared purpose, you are more likely to succeed than on your own and when you get there, you will end up in the same place as your spouse.
Where were we supposed to be by May of next year?
Have finished master's degree (me)
Have started grad school (Rob)
Have our own home
Have real jobs
Have started planning for retirement
Have started a family
Our first two goals have to do with finishing our education. I will graduate in July of this year with my MBA, then return to finish my concentration area (March hopefully). Rob is a little behind on his as we had to be sure we were staying somewhere for two or three years before he could apply for grad school. He is looking at masters programs locally and thinking about studying for the GRE.
The next three goals had to do with gaining financial and geographic stability so that we could...start a family without worrying about money on top of the stress and excitement of a baby. While we haven't bought a house yet, we have made it out of apartment complexes.
The next five years will hopefully bring a couple more kids, a house of our own, my sister and I's company taking off. Rob hopes to be working with either the military or on an international level in his company and have finished his master's degree. I hope and pray that wherever we end up we can find a church family that feels like home. The Lord has kept us so far. We have a good life and it has been an amazing four years together!
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