In Memoriam

We had a bittersweet holiday this year. Unable to travel to be with family due to the advanced pregnancy and its sensitivity to, well, everything, we stayed home for Christmas. Our dear friends the Halcombs joined us and we had a wonderful holiday. We went to a Christmas Candlelight Service, which has been a holiday tradition for both Rob and Becky for most of their lives. Then we spent Christmas day cooking fancy appetizers and playing games with the four of us and three other friends. Rob had talked about going to see his family for Christmas anyway, because his Grandmother's health was failing, but ultimately, we decided that it was better to be together on Christmas. After the Halcombs left on Sunday, Rob and I watched the snow pile up outside our windows and we thanked God that Rob was not fighting his way home in that weather.


The next morning we got news that his Grandmother had passed in the night. It is incredibly frustrating to not live close, to not know that you need to be there, to not know that this is the last Christmas that you will have this person in your life. While we had visited frequently this year mostly due to her declining health, when we had the opportunity, the time off, to make that last visit, it feels weird to miss that moment. We went to Chicago for the funeral, begging the baby to understand, to just stay put another couple of weeks. Then the self-doubt begins, we had really wanted her to meet her only great-grandchild, to hold him once...if we had only tried to have a baby sooner... And I know in my head that that is ridiculous, that this would have been a high risk pregnancy had we done it before I was healthy, but it doesn't make what you wish for any different.

Saturday night we celebrated Christmas with his family, one of the more unique experiences I have ever had. I have never opened presents from someone who is no longer with us. And I know we will cherish her gifts to her great-grandchild and will tell him about her and her smile and her enthusiasm. Maybe in some ways the Grandma Frances he will know from his father will be more her than the one I knew as she was already very sick when I met her.

Sunday night we got home safely and the contractions started again. This time, they were five minutes apart and painful. We laid down in the bed and prayed and begged God and the baby to just stay in there two more weeks. I couldn't bear to think that my decision to go to the funeral would cause our baby to be born prematurely and possibly have an unnecessarily difficult start in life.

Grandma, while we miss you dearly, we are glad you are not suffering anymore and that you are with your beloved husband again. You will be be in our hearts always...